I don’t know.
I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I always tell myself I’m going to do these amazing things, achieve these goals.
Example: Lose weight, get to my ideal body in order to be fit. Be a runner. Eat well, and be healthy. Be less sick throughout a year. Get good grades. Study on time. Do my readings when I’m supposed to. Make time to hang out with friends, or to read a book, or just do something I actually enjoy.
Yet… I never do any of that. I always tell myself I am going to. I have the motivation to, and the capability to. I know that. I just don’t understand why I never get any of it done. I feel like I try so much, and start so much, yet it never really happens.
I feel like life is this perpetual state of disappointment. Trying to do things and constantly failing.
I hate feeling like this. I’ve felt like this before, yet I always put myself back into this position over and over again. Get somewhere, fall off the board, and have to get back to square 1 again.
I really really wish I could just click a button and start over. Erase all the mistakes I have made, and fix all the things I didn’t do.
Yesterday was an opportunity that I let slip through my fingers. That caused me regret. That made me want to crawl into a hole and never ever come out. Use up my savings, fly to another country, another place, and just do what I love. Relax.
Tonight, a friend told me I’m striving for perfection. She is right. I am, but who isn’t? Isn’t that what we constantly do? Just strive to be perfect and improve? Then she told me that while aiming for perfection is an admirable thing to do, you have to be reasonable, because perfection is a high standard to impose on yourself. You won’t be able to achieve it, and you’ll just be constantly and perpetually disappointed with yourself.
She. Is. Right.
You have to be reasonable, but it is so freaking difficult to do. To take your dreams and passions and just scale them to something measurable.
I don’t know.
I’m frustrated. I’m upset. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I’m everything I never used to be. I always used to be a happy and relaxed person, who didn’t dwell on things, but lately I haven’t been myself.
I don’t know what to do about it.
It’s so easy to walk around all day, to be busy, and pretend you’re happy. Yet when it gets to those nights, or those moments when everything just gets to be so much, you feel like you’re falling apart and you just can’t do it anymore.
I don’t know.
I’m just ranting, thinking, or whatever you want to call it right now.
I need to find a way to fix myself, and to fix my life, to be happy again.
I just don’t know where to start, or how to go about it.
I’m just tired.
I think I should stop typing at this point, and just go study before it gets too late.
I’m sorry this post is all over the place and not really organized or anything.